The Book of Lost Tales: Introduction

It's 4:00 in the afternoon and I have just stumbled out of bed. It's July 5th, 2010; the day after the fourth of July. While I am regaining consciousness and slowly coming back to life, I quickly recall the great fun I had the previous night. Watching fireworks, eating loads of hamburgers and hot dogs, drinking beverages, swimming in the pool at midnight with a whole bunch of close friends and all the laughs exchanged throughout the night. As I fumble around my desk looking for my glasses, I suddenly realize that there is no need to do so. I slept the night with my contacts in again. Darn. I am discouraged that my eyes feel terrible but I play it off as no big deal. While walking around during the morning, I feel particularly different. I can't seem to figure out what it is at first, but something definitely feels different. The difference is noted in a bad way. It's one of those things where you get a bad feeling in the gut of your stomach about. I am suddenly able to discover that I feel very sluggish and bloated. Could it have been all those hot dogs and hamburgers I had while watching fireworks? I am quickly intrigued by my own question and decide to take a walk to my bathroom. As I grab the scale out from behind the door, I wonder when the last time I weighed myself was. It had to be awhile. I just finished my senior year of college where pulling all-nighters was a thing of regularity for me. Energy drinks, wings, beef jerky, soda and other unhealthy beverages were the main points of my daily 'diet'. Suddenly, I am scared to see what my weight has become, but I am prepared for a slight change. I weighed about 155 pounds during my junior year, which was pretty consisent with the weight throughout most of teenage years. I step on the scale and my jaw dropped at the sight of 178 pounds. "Whoa!" I exclaimed. I really let myself go this year. I gained nearly 25 pounds in one year. At this rate, who knows what will happen next? Being in an extremely bad genetic situation with family heart problems, surgeries and high blood pressure can only add more importance to this issue. The weight I have gained is not characteristic of me. Not only am I beginning to feel unhealthy, I am starting to look unhealthy too. Things need to change.

The Book of Lost Tales: Prelude

I realize I haven't been on here much lately, and it's something I want to start doing regularly again. What could you have possibly missed that would of been worth reading you might ask? Well, for once I have many things to talk about. I will lead you along a great journey that will outline aspects of my change movement since this summer. Why would you even care you might ask? This little 'book' will give you first-hand experience of someone who wants to incorporate a healthy transformation into their life through examples and reasoning. Some things that will be discussed will include health and exercise, dieting, changing sleep patterns and many more topics. I also finished a round of the Insanity workout and am close to being halfway finished on my first round of P90X. Feel free to use the information and experience I went through as knowledge for you. It's a beautiful thing!

STFU N00B! (Volume 2)

Volume 2: Prank Calling

Ah, the well known "prank call". A type of verbal harassment from one person to another over the telephone. It is also called a crank call (I always wondered this strange limbo term) or a phony call to some people. Some people hate to be prank called. Those people believe it is immature or even view the ol' crank as silly and stupid. To those people's defense, this is sometimes true. For example, we all know the overused classics such as the "Running Refrigerator", or the "Free trip to Hawaii". Those are overplayed, let's be a little more witty and original. Get with the program people. You don't just wing a prank phone call. You need an idea in your mind for the prank to be successful.

What is a good way to engineer a witty and great prank call? Well, you have to think of something practical. For instance, calling your friend's cell phone from a blocked number saying you are going to drop off an order of 40 pizza pies that needs to be paid for still is ludicrous. Do you really even believe that someone with an IQ of 7 would believe that? It's just not realistic at all. This is what we would call a high risk, high reward type of prank call. You're putting a lot of bullshit down on the table with the hopes of a large payout. Sure, we can't argue how satisfying it would be to actually stump someone with that pizza prank. Therefore, the reward can be high. Reward for a prank call is the amount of satisfaction you get out it. Does that sound right? Does that sound ethical? Of course not. It's pure evil. We are getting a kick out of some other person's misfortune of believing a false declaration that we created. What the hell isn't wrong with this? But let's be honest, it is fun when you're doing the dialing. So, if you really want to get someone with that old fashioned pizza call, why not take a more realistic approach? What would the person do if you called their home phone spoofing your phone number to look like Pizza Bella, while inquiring them that their order of four large pizza pies and 50 wings is on the way and they need to pay for. Any suspicious doubt that the person may have of the call being 'phony' would immediately get buried by the flashing of "Pizza Bella" on their home caller ID. Now we have a whole new ballgame.

Spoofing your number is a rather sensitive issue to touch when talking about prank calls. For instance, there are a number of ethical issues that come into play here. It can be a dangerous thing if you are very cynical. People can really get in big trouble with this, but I say let's live dangerously. Take a look at how it is done. This is probably the easiest way to do it on this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHILIE4pIEc. Imagine all the power you wield with this, all to the tip of your fingertips, literally. I used it once to call a girl I know who works a part time job as a cashier at a home improvement warehouse. The number I spoofed to show on her caller ID was her employer. The male voice sounds a little fake, but it is hysterical to hear it played back. You be the judge of it.



Your typical victims of the prank call should be:
1. Someone who is gullible or naive
2. Old people
3. Vulnerable and clueless people (For example, a guy just starting his first day of work at a retail store)

Avoid targeting these type of people as you will get served:
1. The douchebag. (These people usually have no sense of humor when it comes to this stuff and they won't believe anything you say anyway. However, I have heard stories of douchebags really getting screwed over with prank calls. They probably deserve it anyway though.)
2. The stuck-up girl who thinks she's too good for anyone. (Don't even bother with this one! It will be a miracle if she doesn't hang up on you by the tenth second of the call. These type of girls are not amused easily and are very smug when you normally call them. Therefore, a joke won't work.)
3. The usual target. (While you can pull the wool over the eyes of some people once or maybe even twice, don't expect to constantly fool them with your rapid form of cranking on them.)

Great ideas for a prank call:
1. Call the new guy at work and tell him you are looking for a very specific product. Then, when he cannot find it, tell him you know of a way how you got it before and give him a whole lot of hell on the phone. (A birdy once told me of a prank call at Lowe's to the new kid in the Lumber department. The cranker called from within the store inquiring about getting a price for telephone poles. Yes, telephone poles. By first glance, even a brand spankin' new guy would rule out the possibility that Lowe's sells telephone poles at the store so he would tell you so. You may think that the prank from here is dead. However, when you tell him that you are aware they aren't at the store and they have to be special ordered the tables are turned! Obviously this new guy isn't going to know how to order a telephone pole (even though you can't), and will most likely fumble around for five minutes browsing through papers, books and anything he can find. From here he inserted a couple of insults and jabs at how unprofessional the new guy is and hang up. If the cranker really wanted to go further, he could of called back ten minutes later pretending to be a manager at the store yelling at the new guy for his lack of knowledge about his department. He probably hasn't met all of the managers at the store if he is new.)

2. Pay attention to what people say. Pick up on cues that might make a good and original prank. For instance, maybe your friend states that he or she downloads all of her movies illegally for free. Then maybe that friend does something to get you upset. Get your pen out and ready to watch the madness play out when you say you are a member of the RAA and caught them illegally downloading these movies based off a history from their internet provider. You have to be sneaky like that.

3. Call the same person over and over again from different numbers asking to speak to Chris throughout the week. When they say you have the wrong number apologize confusingly and hang up. About a week later, call their number again and say you are Chris and wondering if you got any messages.
4. Be in control. Never lose sight of your main focus which is pulling the wool over the sheep's eye. Don't get distracted, stay on topic and get to your point without them losing it, or trying to turn the tables on you.
5. Soundboards are okay if you know how to use them. The best ones to use are from lesser known celebrities. Obviously, everyone knows the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Al Pacino pretty well, so don't use those. A personal favorite is calling out someone with White Goodman from Dodgeball: the Movie.

Personally, prank calling is a good way to release some stress and have some fun. It can even be viewed as a good way to bond with friends. Is the whole thing immature? Well... maybe, but you sure as hell won't care when you get a big kick out of it. Just don't let it be you that gets pranked. ;-)

Great pranking links:
http://www.phonelosers.org/
http://www.soundboards.com/
www.prankdial.com

STFU N00B! (Volume 1)

Volume 1: Trash Talking
The art of trash talking goes back to the good ol' days from Muhammad Ali to the recent days of Terrell Owens and Brock Lesnar. Occasionally, some d-bag will rise up and challenge your wits thinking he can embrace his ego in the making. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy that flexes his muscles to embarrass you in front of a group of friends or to impress a couple of ladies by boosting his already selfish ego. Maybe you even lost a game or event to someone, only to find that at the finish some moron made an effort to restate the fact that you lost. It's even possible they gave you an opinion as to why you lost (ex. "You probably would have won the race if you weren't so fat"). Now, let's take the time to analyze this. First, there are a couple of reasons to initiate a trash talk session:

Reason 1: You are directly insulted by another person. This is probably the most common way trash talk sessions are started. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge that while the insulter may have a valid argument or may even speak the truth, you can still take him down another notch so he knows you don't give a damn what he thinks.
Example
"You can't run because you are fat"
-Comeback: "Well I may be fat, but you're ugly as sin, and I can diet!"
The previous example is a perfect example of how to sting back at the other person's ego. Acknowledge that he or she may be right, but keep a positive outlook for yourself and notch him down on something they can't change. He obviously can't change the fact that he or she is ugly, so this should leave some sting and shock to the insulter.

Reason 2: The person shows obvious signs and behaviors that are deouche-like. This is one of my favorite reasons to start a trash-talk session. You got a guy in your poker game that likes to complain after getting a bad run of cards? Do everything in your power to make him feel even more inadequate to everyone else in the game. Let him know each time you make a good play on him with terrible cards to prove you can win with any hand. Let him know that you don't need luck on him, and when you do get lucky on him, put it right in his face. "Wow, I was beat the entire way until I caught that straight at the end of the hand. Imagine that." Even offer to stop by at the nearest CVS store to get him some tampons if he continues his behavior. Just watch out that he doesn't start swinging.

Reason 3: You witness someone who is a quitter. The old motto that everyone hates a quitter is true. They possibly deserve insults and trash-talking the most out of anybody. For instance, let's say you are playing a sports video game online against someone who is absolutely terrible. Maybe they complain about you being too good, or maybe they complain that you are scoring too many hockey goals on their pathetic defense that a trained chimp can dissect. Once they quit, you should directly follow up with a video response to further their frustration. Take the time to text them a brief message assuring them that they are not important in any way. (Ex. Send them a text message online saying "2 EZ" or "2 good 4 u"). Hopefully it will be enough for them to psychologically break down. After all, they deserve it for quitting.

Kurt's rules of Xbox Live trash talking
1. Don't throw a fatal trash talking blow down without reassurance. Nothing is more embarrassing then delivering a great insult but then losing in the last seconds of the game. How terrible would it look if you followed your last second basket that gave you the lead in NBA 10 with a comment such as "Suck failure, freak!", only to lose to your opponent's buzzer beater from back court?

2. When in doubt, state an obvious, unchangeable fact to your opponent. So you lost a hockey game 2-7 against a guy whose gamertag was LAKings4Ever and he tried to rub it in your face with select words for you? Throw some salt in his eye! Get him riled up! Make sure to tell him that while you lost a simple meaningless video game, his precious LA Kings have never won a Stanley Cup after being around for 43 years and are still considered a laughing stock of a team to this day. Oh and be sure to remind him that even Wayne Gretzky had no fate in the Kings when he asked to be traded in the middle of the 1995-1996 season. That will definitely grind his gears. You can probably stop there and block all communications from him after dropping that bombshell.

3. Delete all voice messages. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. When you receive a message from an opponent right after you lose a game, and you see the notification that you received a voice message, instantly delete it without listening to it. They all sound the same anyway. It's something that goes like "Garbage. You're garbage". Be sure to send a text message back to the person saying how you received his voice message but didn't even bother to listen to it because his or her voice doesn't matter and will never matter in the society of the world. Always block communications after this. Therefore, you never receive his cruddy message and end up getting the last word on him regardless!

4. Leave feedback to the moderators in XBOX for quitters and cheaters. This is an obvious one most of the time, but I like to put my own little twist on it. It sucks when you're just trying to have some fun with your buddies in Halo and the whole team quits because you can't be touched all game. Why should I be punished and not have any opponents for being good? During these situations, most people will leave feedback that the person quit early. You too will probably feel the urge to leave poor feedback for quitting. However, it's probably a safe bet that someone else on your team will or has already done the same thing. I like to leave feedback selecting the "Player lacking skill" option in these situations. After all, they know if they quit early and won't be shocked when they check their profile and see they have a poor rating for quitting. But just think, how will they feel when they see that they have a poor rating due to "Lacking Skill"? It's a little twisted, but amusing to do.

5. Actions are better than words. There are plenty of ways to get your opponents really upset without actually saying anything. Improvise.

Quick one liner insults:
Don't let your mind wander; it’s too small to be let out on its own.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Hmm... it sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Why don't you slip into something more useful... like a coma?

Ten of my personal favorite trash talk moments:

American Beauty: "My job consists of..."
Brock Lesnar shows up Frank Mir
Good Will Hunting: Matt Damon bar scene
Goodfellas: Shinebox
Hockey Trash Talk
Mike Tyson
Patrick Roy's response to Jeremy Roenick
Rex Ryan vs. Channing Crowder
Sean Avery's sloppy seconds
Terrell Owens and the Dallas Star

Kurt K Retired? Think again

Tearjerker - Kurt K (aliases: Pistolkid, Kurtis, Champ, Quentin, Federer, Jesus) shown above, is distraught and broken up after making a challenging decision to retire from blogspot last year but is now back... again.

I'm back, baby! After a year of blogspot non-activity, I have happily decided to come out of retirement of blogging. Why, you may ask? There are probably a lot of questions on your mind as to why I would suddenly make a rapid return. It seems hasty, but I have been patiently waiting for the right time to return here. First, let's take a look at some updates over the last year or so.

UPDATES

• Graduated Wilkes University with a Computer Information Systems Bachelor's degree.
  
• Created a twitter account. See http://twitter.com/pistolkid
• Created a fantasy football podcast and released a total of nine episodes. See http://fbcfantasy.mypodcast.com/ or
• Play many games with the Wyoming Valley Wildcats on EA Sports NHL 10 on XBOX Live.
• Been watching a lot of movies with a new subscription of Netflix (give me any suggestions to watch)
• Reviewing movies on rottentomatoes. Check out my profile: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/member/pistolkid/
  
• Created a website for our fantasy football league that is still under heavy construction. See http://www.fbcfantasy.com/
• Have gotten smarter

OLD NEWS

• Scraping the Making of a Superstar on here along with the meals section
  
• Still working at Lowe's for the time being
• Still incredibly smart (ok, just being a wiseass here)
  

ON THE HORIZON

• Gambling blog bits including casino reviews
• Getting a real job
• Staying fit
• Eating healthy
• Sneak peek of a lame sci-fi book I'm writing

So there you have it. As you can see, I have been pretty busy this year. The hardest thing I did on that list of updates was get the degree. I had a few close calls with actually not getting that degree, but perhaps that is a tale to tell later. If you are looking for some randomness, feel free to stay tuned as I'll be posting new blogs regularly (again). In the meantime, check me out! Err... my stuff I mean.