STFU N00B! (Volume 1)

Volume 1: Trash Talking
The art of trash talking goes back to the good ol' days from Muhammad Ali to the recent days of Terrell Owens and Brock Lesnar. Occasionally, some d-bag will rise up and challenge your wits thinking he can embrace his ego in the making. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy that flexes his muscles to embarrass you in front of a group of friends or to impress a couple of ladies by boosting his already selfish ego. Maybe you even lost a game or event to someone, only to find that at the finish some moron made an effort to restate the fact that you lost. It's even possible they gave you an opinion as to why you lost (ex. "You probably would have won the race if you weren't so fat"). Now, let's take the time to analyze this. First, there are a couple of reasons to initiate a trash talk session:

Reason 1: You are directly insulted by another person. This is probably the most common way trash talk sessions are started. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge that while the insulter may have a valid argument or may even speak the truth, you can still take him down another notch so he knows you don't give a damn what he thinks.
Example
"You can't run because you are fat"
-Comeback: "Well I may be fat, but you're ugly as sin, and I can diet!"
The previous example is a perfect example of how to sting back at the other person's ego. Acknowledge that he or she may be right, but keep a positive outlook for yourself and notch him down on something they can't change. He obviously can't change the fact that he or she is ugly, so this should leave some sting and shock to the insulter.

Reason 2: The person shows obvious signs and behaviors that are deouche-like. This is one of my favorite reasons to start a trash-talk session. You got a guy in your poker game that likes to complain after getting a bad run of cards? Do everything in your power to make him feel even more inadequate to everyone else in the game. Let him know each time you make a good play on him with terrible cards to prove you can win with any hand. Let him know that you don't need luck on him, and when you do get lucky on him, put it right in his face. "Wow, I was beat the entire way until I caught that straight at the end of the hand. Imagine that." Even offer to stop by at the nearest CVS store to get him some tampons if he continues his behavior. Just watch out that he doesn't start swinging.

Reason 3: You witness someone who is a quitter. The old motto that everyone hates a quitter is true. They possibly deserve insults and trash-talking the most out of anybody. For instance, let's say you are playing a sports video game online against someone who is absolutely terrible. Maybe they complain about you being too good, or maybe they complain that you are scoring too many hockey goals on their pathetic defense that a trained chimp can dissect. Once they quit, you should directly follow up with a video response to further their frustration. Take the time to text them a brief message assuring them that they are not important in any way. (Ex. Send them a text message online saying "2 EZ" or "2 good 4 u"). Hopefully it will be enough for them to psychologically break down. After all, they deserve it for quitting.

Kurt's rules of Xbox Live trash talking
1. Don't throw a fatal trash talking blow down without reassurance. Nothing is more embarrassing then delivering a great insult but then losing in the last seconds of the game. How terrible would it look if you followed your last second basket that gave you the lead in NBA 10 with a comment such as "Suck failure, freak!", only to lose to your opponent's buzzer beater from back court?

2. When in doubt, state an obvious, unchangeable fact to your opponent. So you lost a hockey game 2-7 against a guy whose gamertag was LAKings4Ever and he tried to rub it in your face with select words for you? Throw some salt in his eye! Get him riled up! Make sure to tell him that while you lost a simple meaningless video game, his precious LA Kings have never won a Stanley Cup after being around for 43 years and are still considered a laughing stock of a team to this day. Oh and be sure to remind him that even Wayne Gretzky had no fate in the Kings when he asked to be traded in the middle of the 1995-1996 season. That will definitely grind his gears. You can probably stop there and block all communications from him after dropping that bombshell.

3. Delete all voice messages. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. When you receive a message from an opponent right after you lose a game, and you see the notification that you received a voice message, instantly delete it without listening to it. They all sound the same anyway. It's something that goes like "Garbage. You're garbage". Be sure to send a text message back to the person saying how you received his voice message but didn't even bother to listen to it because his or her voice doesn't matter and will never matter in the society of the world. Always block communications after this. Therefore, you never receive his cruddy message and end up getting the last word on him regardless!

4. Leave feedback to the moderators in XBOX for quitters and cheaters. This is an obvious one most of the time, but I like to put my own little twist on it. It sucks when you're just trying to have some fun with your buddies in Halo and the whole team quits because you can't be touched all game. Why should I be punished and not have any opponents for being good? During these situations, most people will leave feedback that the person quit early. You too will probably feel the urge to leave poor feedback for quitting. However, it's probably a safe bet that someone else on your team will or has already done the same thing. I like to leave feedback selecting the "Player lacking skill" option in these situations. After all, they know if they quit early and won't be shocked when they check their profile and see they have a poor rating for quitting. But just think, how will they feel when they see that they have a poor rating due to "Lacking Skill"? It's a little twisted, but amusing to do.

5. Actions are better than words. There are plenty of ways to get your opponents really upset without actually saying anything. Improvise.

Quick one liner insults:
Don't let your mind wander; it’s too small to be let out on its own.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Hmm... it sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Why don't you slip into something more useful... like a coma?

Ten of my personal favorite trash talk moments:

American Beauty: "My job consists of..."
Brock Lesnar shows up Frank Mir
Good Will Hunting: Matt Damon bar scene
Goodfellas: Shinebox
Hockey Trash Talk
Mike Tyson
Patrick Roy's response to Jeremy Roenick
Rex Ryan vs. Channing Crowder
Sean Avery's sloppy seconds
Terrell Owens and the Dallas Star

The Making of a NHL Superstar : Chapter 2

November 8th, 2008 - Today was a huge day for Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz. Before this day's game against the rival Hershey Bears, Head Coach Dan Bylsma had more news for him. Not having a goal or assist in over three games, Kurt feared that he would be demoted back to the third line. He knocked on the office door of coach Bylsma, with a sense of guilt of his recent play. As he walked into the room and coach Bylsma prompted him to have a seat, he thought to himself "How can one have such a great start to the season, and suddenly flat-line so hard." He began to think if it was normal, and if all the great players such as Lemieux and Gretzy occasionally expereinced a sudden decrease in their performance. Then, Kurt's daydreaming was suddenly interupted when Coach Bylsma said loud and clear, "Kurt, I decided to put you on the first line with Chris and Jonathan." Kurt was shocked at this great news, considering how his play was recently. "I understand you're going through a bit of a streak there, but I like your style of play. I like how you never give up. Your sense of urgency to make plays even when the team is down four goals, awes and motivates the rest of the team. Everyone is impressed with your incredible work ethnic. The truth is that I've had coaches of other teams tell me that they always see you working non-stop." Kurt was impressed with Coach Bylsma's words. But he knew it was true, that he would try his best to make plays at any point of the game regardless of the situation. Coach Bylsma thanked Kurt for coming into his office. Kurt walked toward the door with a huge smile on his face. As he walked out the door, Coach Bylsma had one more thing to tell him. "I want you to remember one thing, Kurt - every great player goes through bad streaks, but it's just a matter of time before they break out of it. It's simple math". Later, Coach Byslma stated to the Wilkes Barre press that Kuklewicz would be playing on the WBS Penguins first line tonight with forwards Jonathan Filewich and Chris Minard against the Hershey Bears. Later that night, Kuklewicz made assurance to his coach that he made a wise decision as he led his team to victory and was one of the three stars of the game yet again. While on the penalty kill, Kurt made an outstanding play that clarified his endurance and resiliance. Hershey up and coming star left wing, Chris Borque drilled Kuklewicz crazily into the boards while he was trying to set up a pass for a shorthanded goal. The Wilkes Barre crowd felt a sense of disaster as they saw one of their favorites down on the ice. Suddenly, the Bears had an odd man rush into the Penguins defensive zone and everybody's attention was focused on it. Wilkes Barre goalie John Curry made an incredible, sportscenter top 10 like save. The puck came around to Wilkes Barre defenseman Alex Goligoski who saw Kurt skating back to the Hershey blue line by himself. Goligoski buried his head and soared a pass across two lines to Kuklewicz, who was in the clear and on a breakaway. The crowd all rose to their seats, as Kuklewicz winded back for a slap shot and fired it top shelf on the goalie's stick side. The crowd erupted in a frenzy as Kuklewicz scored his sixth goal with the Wilkes Barre Penguins. Kurt had a goal and two assists that night, distributing the puck to Minard and Filewich most of the time. Kuklewicz began to feel like he suddenly was surged with energy and tapped into his inner hockey sense and knowledge.

November 15th, 2008 - With a recent Pittsburgh trade that sent center Jordan Staal to the Los Angeles for young defenseman Jack Johnson (I don't know why on earth they would make this trade), the big Pens needed some youth to replace Staal in their new line-up. Receiving a phone call, Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz was awaken very early in the morning with news that he would be playing for Pittsburgh. There was one problem presented with this situation, however. After having 1 assist playing against the Binghamton Senators last night, which ended in a heartbreaking Wilkes Barre loss, Kuklewicz would have to make a trip to Pittsburgh and jump right into the lineup today in order to play against the Buffalo Sabres. So, Kuklewicz booked a plane trip straight to Pittsburgh and made it there by 5:30 to be at the 7:30 home game. Kuklewicz had never even stepped into the Penguin's locker room until now. This was the moment he was waiting for. All of his hard work and dedication led him here, to this place. Kurt suddenly came back to reality when he realized it was time to skate on the ice for practice. During the practice, forward Matt Cooke of the Penguins told Kurt that he would be playing on his line tonight with center Max Talbot. Penguins coach Michel Therrien told Kuklewicz that he would indeed be playing on the 3rd line with Talbot and Cooke. This was a thrill to Kurt, because these were two guys who are known for being workhorses, something he felt he also brought to the team. Therrien also informed Kuklewicz that he would be playing on the second powerplay line with forwards Tyler Kennedy and Miroslav Satan, and defensemen Ryan Whitney and Brooks Orpik. "We need your passing skills to fuel our overload powerplay style" Therrien added. It was time to skate on the ice for the game. Kurt and the rest of his teammates walked to the tunnel where ironically enough, the song that played for their entrance was "Fuel" by Metallica. This was it now, Kurt was skating with the big boys. Kurt's night was a struggle for him at first. The play was so much faster than what the AHL was. It was something that took two periods to get use to. During the third period, down 0-1 to the Sabres, Kurt cashed in on his first NHL goal on his second shot of the night. During the play, Matt Cooke fed Kurt the puck. He continued to skate with it until he came to the direct left side of Sabres goalie Ryan Miller. Unexpectedly, Kuklewicz dipped the puck in between Miller's left leg and the left post of the net. The crowd erupted as the score was tied with under ten minutes left to play. Kurt's night was not finished just yet. With over four minutes left to play in the game, Sabres forward Tim Connelly took a two minute roughing penalty. The first powerplay line with Crosby and Malkin could not get anything going that night. The second powerplay line then rose to the occasion for the Penguins. Kuklewicz received the puck from Ryan Whitney behind the net, and passed to Tyler Kennedy who was open in the slot. Kennedy shot and scored. Kuklewicz was indeed the fuel of the overload. His team celebrated with him as they beat the Sabres 2-1.

The Weekly Top Ten : Video Games

Well ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for something new on here. I'm referring to the weekly top ten where we give you the top ten reasons to explain a certain topic. We'll kick it off with the top ten reasons why you should play video games.



Reasons to Play Video Games
1o. Have an excuse to tell your teacher or professor why you didn't do your homework.
9. Two words - Big Explosions
8. Where else can you steal cars while listening to Michael Jackson's "Beat It"?
7. Train to be in the navy without breaking a sweat, literally.
6. Personally re-injure Tom Brady's knee to get back at him for his good looks and fancy sports cars.
5. Have yet another reason to kill time and block out your girlfriend when she calls you.
4. Sing Fallout Boy on Rock Band and sound better than them doing it.
3. Pretend to be John Rambo while playing Call of Duty 4.
2. You can kill someone you don't like and not have to go to jail!
1. A video game will play with you over and over again, no matter what time or what place.

Importance of Video Games

All right, let's settle the score right here, right now. For all you nay-sayers that believe video games are a waste of time and provide nothing useful to society, you are wrong. Let me list a few reasons why backed up with some real life situations.

Reasons why video games are beneficial to individuals.
1. Video games can make individuals smarter.
- Playing puzzle games and other games that involve making strategical decisions can create more situations in which individuals have to use his or her brain more. This can create neural connections in the brain in which neurons or brain cells are linked together. The more neural connections in the brain there are, the more advanced the whole unit can become. The neurons are able to accommodate more knowledge and link that knowledge throughout the brain.

Neurons are connected and are able to transmit more signals and receive accommodate knowledge (above).

2. Video games teach the importance of teamwork.
-Playing games can make individuals realize the importance of teamwork. Individuals that are struggling achieving a certain task on a video game, can benefit off the teamwork of other individuals playing the same game. They can then communicate and try to work out a strategy like a team to achieve the same goal together. Through this everyone can learn that working together is beneficial and necessary in many real-life situations.

3. Video games can create leadership abilities in individuals.
-Yes, it sounds crazy but think about it. Dictionary.com defines leadership as "an act or instance of leading; guidance; direction:". If someone is good at a game and leads his team to achieve a certain goal by leading by example or command, then he obviously is demonstrating an ability of leadership.

4. Video games can provide for a very fun hobby.
-Sometimes when you feel pushed around from work or school, you can escape from it by playing video games. It's almost as like you're suddenly in a whole different world, exploring different and new things.

5. It's a good to way to socialize with other individuals.
-If there is nothing exciting to do in town or it's a rainy day outside, how much more exciting will playing a video game with friends probably be?

Meaningless Nonsense: The Story Behind the Name

I decided that after every several posts, I will post a "meaningless nonsense" section, which explains a random stupid fact about me. I can just sense how excited you are all! Lol, but seriously, I am just adding these in here for amusement purposes really. Today, I will talk about the meaningless story behind my AIM name and Xbox gamertag; Pistolkid. The name originated when I was in 8th grade. At that time, I recently got a computer. I was looking for a cool AIM name which sounded cool and wasn't just my name and age after it. I experimented with a few names before finding one I really liked. My first attempt of an awesome AIM name was "ViperVenom004". Now, some people actually like that name, but it had no real meaning to me really. To me, it sounded like a random name that I was trying too hard to sound cool with. The number 004 had no meaning to me either. It was just the first available number for the name ViperVenom. Seriously, what the hell kind of a name is ViperVenom004? I mean, I have nothing to do with vipers or snakes. No one has ever called me a snake. And the last time I checked, I don't go around spitting poison in random people's eyes, or have I ever played the villian 'Venom' in Spiderman 3. So, shortly after the creation of ViperVenom, I had purchased a James Bond video game; Agent under Fire. Now, I was even more determined to get a cool name I could use for the video game. I loved playing Agent under Fire so much, that I beat the game several times. I found out that I enjoyed one thing especially in the game. Playing the missions using only my pistol. I took much amusement going around all stealthy with the pistol and firing one shot in my enemies' faces. (Note to the FBI: If you are reading this, I am just talking about a game!) Anyway, nothing was more funny seeing my enemies holding huge shotguns and machine guns and just drop to one shot from a pistol! During multi-player games with my brother and cousins, they constantly complained of me using the pistol non-stop. Then the ideas started to storm around in my head for a new name.

I was looking to purchase a game for my computer called Counter-Strike and still was without a cool sounding name. So one day, I took a pencil and notebook and brainstormed for about 3 hours. I finally came up with the name of 'Pistol', a prototype for the eventual real name. I experimented using Pistol in video games. It felt like it had a nice short and sweet sound about it, almost like 'Blade' or 'Laser'. But there was something else missing to me in the name. It sounded like it needed to be a tad longer. So I debated of names to add to the end of Pistol. Finally, the word 'Kid' stuck out to me. The snazzy sound of the name was just so attractive to me. Pistolkid. It was a name that had authority and action. A name of recklessness and rage. A name with pure dominance and supremacy. It was a name that sounded pretty cool to me at least. When I wanted to add numbers to my AIM name, it was clear to me that 007 was the most viable option. The result of using the name was most beautiful. Many frustrated gamers would ask "Who is going around using the pistol to kill?" only to hear the answer of a bullet from 'Pistolkid'.

Oh, and ViperVenom is still actually used today by me, in my fantasy baseball team called "Vicious Viper Venom".