The Bucket List

I'm sure everyone has a list of things they would like to do at some point during their life. Getting married, starting a family are probably some common goals people would like to achieve during their lifetime. But those are very cliche and boring! So, I decided to whip up a little list here of things I would like to do in my lifetime at some point. Sure, they may sound a little weird to you, but keep in mind that everyone has different things they would like to get done. Hey, maybe you always wanted to be a show dancer in Vegas. I certainly won't knock you for that. I might even come out to see you perform once (if you're lucky). I like to be entertained, and without further ado, I will now be entertaining you. Talk about a little plot twist, eh? I better have your attention.

Alas, here are some things on my list in no particular order:
1. Hustle someone in a game of pool: I actually had the opportunity to knock this one off the list one time, but I ended up losing (since the entire place I was at doesn't know the official way to play pool). I was down a few balls, he got overconfident and I ran the table at the end to the 8 ball. When I made a ball that slightly touched another and then went into the pocket, he cried and chaos unfolded. I have played in college pool tournaments and clearly know the official rules, but everyone goes by their own little rules that they think is right. Close, but no cigar.
2. Get hit with a puck while spectating a hockey game: Now, you must think I may be really nuts, but how great of a story would that be to tell for generations? "Yeah, I was at a hockey game and Alex Ovechkin winded up for a hard slapper and it deflected off of someone's shin pads and went directly at my nose". Imagine how impressive that would be. And who knows? If I get hit in the mouth with a wicked slapper, maybe the team's coach will notice and sign me to the team for losing teeth. Isn't that one of the requirements to make a professional hockey team?
3. Get pelted with tomatoes on a stage: This is a classic. If I ever have to entertain a crowd (lord help us all) and I'm struggling with it so bad, my only wish would be to get pelted with a ridiculous amount of tomatoes from the audience. That way, I can at least say I started a food fight. That's why if I ever am in a play, or whatever the event or gathering may be, I am going to make sure that tomatoes and salads are served to everyone as a pre-event meal.
4. Become a trending topic on Twitter: I don't care exactly how I become a trending topic, but I want it to happen at least once during my lifetime. I don't mind if people trend "Kuklewicz", the full name of "Kurt Kuklewicz", or even "Big Buff" (my nickname at my college gym). Therefore, I will be trying my best to make waves during my lifetime. When I see an opportunity to get publicity, you can be sure that I'm going to take it just for reaping the benefits of gaining popularity. If I have to save a bunch of kittens from a tree to become a trending topic on Twitter, then so be it. What can I say? I'm a drama queen.
5. Date a Kardashian: Probably a lot harder than it sounds, but come on? You can't argue this one. Even if you're a chick.
6. Go hand gliding: I can't think of a better rush than gliding through the clouds over dangerous terrains. It's a high risk / high reward activity. You may think it's stupid, but let's face the facts. First off, the view has to be incredible, and who the hell doesn't want to fly? I can fulfill the fantasies of being a superhero that I had since I was four years old. Also, nothing gets the heart pumping like the thrill of facing death in the eyes. Incredible cardio workout right there and you don't even need to run.
7. Record a studio album. It doesn't even have to be good. In fact, it could even be so bad that it's comical. Even if I suck at making songs, at least I can thrive at being so bad that I at least make someone laugh. Just look at William Hung. He went platinum. Any takers for creating a band, let me know. I got some good band names stored away.
8. Be in a heist: Yes, it's true. Every guy you know wants to be in a heist. Even the "nice guys". The role I would prefer to play in the heist would be mastermind who draws up the entire strategy. I always called plays in Madden football video games well, and I would imagine that operating a heist is very similar. What's that? A SWAT team is coming at us from the left? Fake it like you're going to take them head on, and then bootleg to the right. See something you don't like during the heist? Audible to a different plan of action. Easy.
9. Throw my coat in a puddle so a lady can walk over it without getting their shoes wet: This has always been on my bucket list ever since I was little. I may be overconfident and viewed as cocky sometimes, but you'll find out that I'm a big softie at heart. There is nothing more that a man can do to show a mark of great gentlemenship. So before you ladies start griping that chivalry is dead, just give me a chance and walk near a puddle. I will prove you wrong. Be warned though: if I think you're one of those "self-independent" females that scoff at such kind acts, I won't bother to risk getting my coat wet just for you to roll your eyes at me.
10. Become a fantasy sports writer: Write and complain about pro athletes while playing fantasy sports and getting paid for it? Dream job, anyone?

So there you have it. That's what I want to achieve in my life. Now, you might say to yourself "This guy is an idiot, he has no serious items on his bucket list". Let me warn you before you judge, I do have a serious (even inspring) bucket list as well. Of course you'll never get to hear it. It's top secret and for my eyes to see only. G-14 classified

Thanks for the read (I guess),
K-Dawg

STFU N00B! (Volume 1)

Volume 1: Trash Talking
The art of trash talking goes back to the good ol' days from Muhammad Ali to the recent days of Terrell Owens and Brock Lesnar. Occasionally, some d-bag will rise up and challenge your wits thinking he can embrace his ego in the making. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy that flexes his muscles to embarrass you in front of a group of friends or to impress a couple of ladies by boosting his already selfish ego. Maybe you even lost a game or event to someone, only to find that at the finish some moron made an effort to restate the fact that you lost. It's even possible they gave you an opinion as to why you lost (ex. "You probably would have won the race if you weren't so fat"). Now, let's take the time to analyze this. First, there are a couple of reasons to initiate a trash talk session:

Reason 1: You are directly insulted by another person. This is probably the most common way trash talk sessions are started. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge that while the insulter may have a valid argument or may even speak the truth, you can still take him down another notch so he knows you don't give a damn what he thinks.
Example
"You can't run because you are fat"
-Comeback: "Well I may be fat, but you're ugly as sin, and I can diet!"
The previous example is a perfect example of how to sting back at the other person's ego. Acknowledge that he or she may be right, but keep a positive outlook for yourself and notch him down on something they can't change. He obviously can't change the fact that he or she is ugly, so this should leave some sting and shock to the insulter.

Reason 2: The person shows obvious signs and behaviors that are deouche-like. This is one of my favorite reasons to start a trash-talk session. You got a guy in your poker game that likes to complain after getting a bad run of cards? Do everything in your power to make him feel even more inadequate to everyone else in the game. Let him know each time you make a good play on him with terrible cards to prove you can win with any hand. Let him know that you don't need luck on him, and when you do get lucky on him, put it right in his face. "Wow, I was beat the entire way until I caught that straight at the end of the hand. Imagine that." Even offer to stop by at the nearest CVS store to get him some tampons if he continues his behavior. Just watch out that he doesn't start swinging.

Reason 3: You witness someone who is a quitter. The old motto that everyone hates a quitter is true. They possibly deserve insults and trash-talking the most out of anybody. For instance, let's say you are playing a sports video game online against someone who is absolutely terrible. Maybe they complain about you being too good, or maybe they complain that you are scoring too many hockey goals on their pathetic defense that a trained chimp can dissect. Once they quit, you should directly follow up with a video response to further their frustration. Take the time to text them a brief message assuring them that they are not important in any way. (Ex. Send them a text message online saying "2 EZ" or "2 good 4 u"). Hopefully it will be enough for them to psychologically break down. After all, they deserve it for quitting.

Kurt's rules of Xbox Live trash talking
1. Don't throw a fatal trash talking blow down without reassurance. Nothing is more embarrassing then delivering a great insult but then losing in the last seconds of the game. How terrible would it look if you followed your last second basket that gave you the lead in NBA 10 with a comment such as "Suck failure, freak!", only to lose to your opponent's buzzer beater from back court?

2. When in doubt, state an obvious, unchangeable fact to your opponent. So you lost a hockey game 2-7 against a guy whose gamertag was LAKings4Ever and he tried to rub it in your face with select words for you? Throw some salt in his eye! Get him riled up! Make sure to tell him that while you lost a simple meaningless video game, his precious LA Kings have never won a Stanley Cup after being around for 43 years and are still considered a laughing stock of a team to this day. Oh and be sure to remind him that even Wayne Gretzky had no fate in the Kings when he asked to be traded in the middle of the 1995-1996 season. That will definitely grind his gears. You can probably stop there and block all communications from him after dropping that bombshell.

3. Delete all voice messages. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. When you receive a message from an opponent right after you lose a game, and you see the notification that you received a voice message, instantly delete it without listening to it. They all sound the same anyway. It's something that goes like "Garbage. You're garbage". Be sure to send a text message back to the person saying how you received his voice message but didn't even bother to listen to it because his or her voice doesn't matter and will never matter in the society of the world. Always block communications after this. Therefore, you never receive his cruddy message and end up getting the last word on him regardless!

4. Leave feedback to the moderators in XBOX for quitters and cheaters. This is an obvious one most of the time, but I like to put my own little twist on it. It sucks when you're just trying to have some fun with your buddies in Halo and the whole team quits because you can't be touched all game. Why should I be punished and not have any opponents for being good? During these situations, most people will leave feedback that the person quit early. You too will probably feel the urge to leave poor feedback for quitting. However, it's probably a safe bet that someone else on your team will or has already done the same thing. I like to leave feedback selecting the "Player lacking skill" option in these situations. After all, they know if they quit early and won't be shocked when they check their profile and see they have a poor rating for quitting. But just think, how will they feel when they see that they have a poor rating due to "Lacking Skill"? It's a little twisted, but amusing to do.

5. Actions are better than words. There are plenty of ways to get your opponents really upset without actually saying anything. Improvise.

Quick one liner insults:
Don't let your mind wander; it’s too small to be let out on its own.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Hmm... it sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Why don't you slip into something more useful... like a coma?

Ten of my personal favorite trash talk moments:

American Beauty: "My job consists of..."
Brock Lesnar shows up Frank Mir
Good Will Hunting: Matt Damon bar scene
Goodfellas: Shinebox
Hockey Trash Talk
Mike Tyson
Patrick Roy's response to Jeremy Roenick
Rex Ryan vs. Channing Crowder
Sean Avery's sloppy seconds
Terrell Owens and the Dallas Star

The Making of a NHL Superstar : Chapter 2

November 8th, 2008 - Today was a huge day for Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz. Before this day's game against the rival Hershey Bears, Head Coach Dan Bylsma had more news for him. Not having a goal or assist in over three games, Kurt feared that he would be demoted back to the third line. He knocked on the office door of coach Bylsma, with a sense of guilt of his recent play. As he walked into the room and coach Bylsma prompted him to have a seat, he thought to himself "How can one have such a great start to the season, and suddenly flat-line so hard." He began to think if it was normal, and if all the great players such as Lemieux and Gretzy occasionally expereinced a sudden decrease in their performance. Then, Kurt's daydreaming was suddenly interupted when Coach Bylsma said loud and clear, "Kurt, I decided to put you on the first line with Chris and Jonathan." Kurt was shocked at this great news, considering how his play was recently. "I understand you're going through a bit of a streak there, but I like your style of play. I like how you never give up. Your sense of urgency to make plays even when the team is down four goals, awes and motivates the rest of the team. Everyone is impressed with your incredible work ethnic. The truth is that I've had coaches of other teams tell me that they always see you working non-stop." Kurt was impressed with Coach Bylsma's words. But he knew it was true, that he would try his best to make plays at any point of the game regardless of the situation. Coach Bylsma thanked Kurt for coming into his office. Kurt walked toward the door with a huge smile on his face. As he walked out the door, Coach Bylsma had one more thing to tell him. "I want you to remember one thing, Kurt - every great player goes through bad streaks, but it's just a matter of time before they break out of it. It's simple math". Later, Coach Byslma stated to the Wilkes Barre press that Kuklewicz would be playing on the WBS Penguins first line tonight with forwards Jonathan Filewich and Chris Minard against the Hershey Bears. Later that night, Kuklewicz made assurance to his coach that he made a wise decision as he led his team to victory and was one of the three stars of the game yet again. While on the penalty kill, Kurt made an outstanding play that clarified his endurance and resiliance. Hershey up and coming star left wing, Chris Borque drilled Kuklewicz crazily into the boards while he was trying to set up a pass for a shorthanded goal. The Wilkes Barre crowd felt a sense of disaster as they saw one of their favorites down on the ice. Suddenly, the Bears had an odd man rush into the Penguins defensive zone and everybody's attention was focused on it. Wilkes Barre goalie John Curry made an incredible, sportscenter top 10 like save. The puck came around to Wilkes Barre defenseman Alex Goligoski who saw Kurt skating back to the Hershey blue line by himself. Goligoski buried his head and soared a pass across two lines to Kuklewicz, who was in the clear and on a breakaway. The crowd all rose to their seats, as Kuklewicz winded back for a slap shot and fired it top shelf on the goalie's stick side. The crowd erupted in a frenzy as Kuklewicz scored his sixth goal with the Wilkes Barre Penguins. Kurt had a goal and two assists that night, distributing the puck to Minard and Filewich most of the time. Kuklewicz began to feel like he suddenly was surged with energy and tapped into his inner hockey sense and knowledge.

November 15th, 2008 - With a recent Pittsburgh trade that sent center Jordan Staal to the Los Angeles for young defenseman Jack Johnson (I don't know why on earth they would make this trade), the big Pens needed some youth to replace Staal in their new line-up. Receiving a phone call, Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz was awaken very early in the morning with news that he would be playing for Pittsburgh. There was one problem presented with this situation, however. After having 1 assist playing against the Binghamton Senators last night, which ended in a heartbreaking Wilkes Barre loss, Kuklewicz would have to make a trip to Pittsburgh and jump right into the lineup today in order to play against the Buffalo Sabres. So, Kuklewicz booked a plane trip straight to Pittsburgh and made it there by 5:30 to be at the 7:30 home game. Kuklewicz had never even stepped into the Penguin's locker room until now. This was the moment he was waiting for. All of his hard work and dedication led him here, to this place. Kurt suddenly came back to reality when he realized it was time to skate on the ice for practice. During the practice, forward Matt Cooke of the Penguins told Kurt that he would be playing on his line tonight with center Max Talbot. Penguins coach Michel Therrien told Kuklewicz that he would indeed be playing on the 3rd line with Talbot and Cooke. This was a thrill to Kurt, because these were two guys who are known for being workhorses, something he felt he also brought to the team. Therrien also informed Kuklewicz that he would be playing on the second powerplay line with forwards Tyler Kennedy and Miroslav Satan, and defensemen Ryan Whitney and Brooks Orpik. "We need your passing skills to fuel our overload powerplay style" Therrien added. It was time to skate on the ice for the game. Kurt and the rest of his teammates walked to the tunnel where ironically enough, the song that played for their entrance was "Fuel" by Metallica. This was it now, Kurt was skating with the big boys. Kurt's night was a struggle for him at first. The play was so much faster than what the AHL was. It was something that took two periods to get use to. During the third period, down 0-1 to the Sabres, Kurt cashed in on his first NHL goal on his second shot of the night. During the play, Matt Cooke fed Kurt the puck. He continued to skate with it until he came to the direct left side of Sabres goalie Ryan Miller. Unexpectedly, Kuklewicz dipped the puck in between Miller's left leg and the left post of the net. The crowd erupted as the score was tied with under ten minutes left to play. Kurt's night was not finished just yet. With over four minutes left to play in the game, Sabres forward Tim Connelly took a two minute roughing penalty. The first powerplay line with Crosby and Malkin could not get anything going that night. The second powerplay line then rose to the occasion for the Penguins. Kuklewicz received the puck from Ryan Whitney behind the net, and passed to Tyler Kennedy who was open in the slot. Kennedy shot and scored. Kuklewicz was indeed the fuel of the overload. His team celebrated with him as they beat the Sabres 2-1.

The Making of a NHL Superstar : Chapter 1

Note: This is the record of my NHL 09 blog of Be a Pro mode.
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Last year, the Pittsburgh Penguins organization drafted a young right wing from Hanover Township, PA. This young forward's name is Kurt Kuklewicz. This forward was on many teams' draft boards, but the Penguins took a chance on this forward. Listed at 5'10" and 162 pounds, Kuklewicz lacked the ideal size of a NHL superstar. This caused his draft grade to drop until the 2nd round. However, scouts rated Kuklewicz as one of the top playmakers in the NHL entry class. Straight out of the Wyoming Valley Wildcats, in the DEL league, Kuklewicz showed poise and clear passing and puck control skills throughout his DEL career. He also showed that he can play defense as well.


OT Magic!- Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz was pure cash when it came to making clutch plays in his DEL team, the Wyoming Valley Wildcats. He celebrates a goal (above), after setting up a beautiful overtime game winning goal on a pass to teammate Rocco Dimarco.

June 22, 2008 - Kuklewicz signed a one-year 2-way contract with the Pittsburgh Penguins worth almost $1 mil. The 2-way contract made Kuklewicz eligible to play on the Pittsburgh Penguins and their AHL affliate, Wilkes Barre-Scranton Penguins.

October 4th, 2008 - Wilkes-Barre Scranton Penguins Head Coach, Dan Bylsma invited Kurt Kuklewicz into his office with some great news. He decided to put him on the 3rd line of the team the start of the season, and give him an opportunity to extend his play. Kuklewicz decided to wear the #14 jersey in honor of his lucky number.

October 8th, 2008 - Right Wing Kurt Kuklewicz stepped up onto the ice in a big way in his first ever AHL game. On his first shot of the game, Kuklewicz scored a beauty of a goal. He also tallied an assist to have a 2 point night against the hated rivals of the WBS Penguins, the Hershey Bears.

October 24th, 2009 - WBS Penguins Head Coach Dan Bylsma noticed Kurt Kuklewicz's playmaking abilities and hard, dedicated work. He called Kuklewicz into his office yet again with fantastic news. He would now be playing on the second line in Wilkes Barre. At this point, Kuklewicz led his team in goals, assists and points. If this continued, he would surely be playing with the Pittsburgh team in no time.

November 7th, 2008 - Kurt Kuklewicz already performing in a big way and looking like one intelligent draft pick, gave more reason to why he should start for the Pittsburgh Penguins. The game against the Lowell Devils on this date, went into overtime at home. Kuklewicz was paired on a line with Wilkes Barre Scranton Forwards Paul Bissonnette and Mark Letestu, seeing ice time during the last few minutes of overtime. Kuklewicz rushed into the slot of the Devils with under a minute remaining and received a beautiful pass from Letestu. He fired it pass the goalie's glove side to give the WBS Penguins a much needed win.



Clutch - Kurt Kuklewicz scores the game winning goal against the Lowell Devils at home to improve the Baby Pens' winning record (above).

There will be more to come on Kuklewicz's performance.