The art of trash talking goes back to the good ol' days from Muhammad Ali to the recent days of Terrell Owens and Brock Lesnar. Occasionally, some d-bag will rise up and challenge your wits thinking he can embrace his ego in the making. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the guy that flexes his muscles to embarrass you in front of a group of friends or to impress a couple of ladies by boosting his already selfish ego. Maybe you even lost a game or event to someone, only to find that at the finish some moron made an effort to restate the fact that you lost. It's even possible they gave you an opinion as to why you lost (ex. "You probably would have won the race if you weren't so fat"). Now, let's take the time to analyze this. First, there are a couple of reasons to initiate a trash talk session:Reason 1: You are directly insulted by another person. This is probably the most common way trash talk sessions are started. The best way to handle this is to acknowledge that while the insulter may have a valid argument or may even speak the truth, you can still take him down another notch so he knows you don't give a damn what he thinks.
Example
"You can't run because you are fat"
-Comeback: "Well I may be fat, but you're ugly as sin, and I can diet!"
The previous example is a perfect example of how to sting back at the other person's ego. Acknowledge that he or she may be right, but keep a positive outlook for yourself and notch him down on something they can't change. He obviously can't change the fact that he or she is ugly, so this should leave some sting and shock to the insulter.
Reason 2: The person shows obvious signs and behaviors that are deouche-like. This is one of my favorite reasons to start a trash-talk session. You got a guy in your poker game that likes to complain after getting a bad run of cards? Do everything in your power to make him feel even more inadequate to everyone else in the game. Let him know each time you make a good play on him with terrible cards to prove you can win with any hand. Let him know that you don't need luck on him, and when you do get lucky on him, put it right in his face. "Wow, I was beat the entire way until I caught that straight at the end of the hand. Imagine that." Even offer to stop by at the nearest CVS store to get him some tampons if he continues his behavior. Just watch out that he doesn't start swinging.
Reason 3: You witness someone who is a quitter. The old motto that everyone hates a quitter is true. They possibly deserve insults and trash-talking the most out of anybody. For instance, let's say you are playing a sports video game online against someone who is absolutely terrible. Maybe they complain about you being too good, or maybe they complain that you are scoring too many hockey goals on their pathetic defense that a trained chimp can dissect. Once they quit, you should directly follow up with a video response to further their frustration. Take the time to text them a brief message assuring them that they are not important in any way. (Ex. Send them a text message online saying "2 EZ" or "2 good 4 u"). Hopefully it will be enough for them to psychologically break down. After all, they deserve it for quitting.
Kurt's rules of Xbox Live trash talking
1. Don't throw a fatal trash talking blow down without reassurance. Nothing is more embarrassing then delivering a great insult but then losing in the last seconds of the game. How terrible would it look if you followed your last second basket that gave you the lead in NBA 10 with a comment such as "Suck failure, freak!", only to lose to your opponent's buzzer beater from back court?
2. When in doubt, state an obvious, unchangeable fact to your opponent. So you lost a hockey game 2-7 against a guy whose gamertag was LAKings4Ever and he tried to rub it in your face with select words for you? Throw some salt in his eye! Get him riled up! Make sure to tell him that while you lost a simple meaningless video game, his precious LA Kings have never won a Stanley Cup after being around for 43 years and are still considered a laughing stock of a team to this day. Oh and be sure to remind him that even Wayne Gretzky had no fate in the Kings when he asked to be traded in the middle of the 1995-1996 season. That will definitely grind his gears. You can probably stop there and block all communications from him after dropping that bombshell.
3. Delete all voice messages. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. When you receive a message from an opponent right after you lose a game, and you see the notification that you received a voice message, instantly delete it without listening to it. They all sound the same anyway. It's something that goes like "Garbage. You're garbage". Be sure to send a text message back to the person saying how you received his voice message but didn't even bother to listen to it because his or her voice doesn't matter and will never matter in the society of the world. Always block communications after this. Therefore, you never receive his cruddy message and end up getting the last word on him regardless!
4. Leave feedback to the moderators in XBOX for quitters and cheaters. This is an obvious one most of the time, but I like to put my own little twist on it. It sucks when you're just trying to have some fun with your buddies in Halo and the whole team quits because you can't be touched all game. Why should I be punished and not have any opponents for being good? During these situations, most people will leave feedback that the person quit early. You too will probably feel the urge to leave poor feedback for quitting. However, it's probably a safe bet that someone else on your team will or has already done the same thing. I like to leave feedback selecting the "Player lacking skill" option in these situations. After all, they know if they quit early and won't be shocked when they check their profile and see they have a poor rating for quitting. But just think, how will they feel when they see that they have a poor rating due to "Lacking Skill"? It's a little twisted, but amusing to do.
5. Actions are better than words. There are plenty of ways to get your opponents really upset without actually saying anything. Improvise.
Quick one liner insults:
Don't let your mind wander; it’s too small to be let out on its own.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
Hmm... it sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Why don't you slip into something more useful... like a coma?
Ten of my personal favorite trash talk moments:
American Beauty: "My job consists of..."
Brock Lesnar shows up Frank Mir
Good Will Hunting: Matt Damon bar scene
Goodfellas: Shinebox
Hockey Trash Talk
Mike Tyson
Patrick Roy's response to Jeremy Roenick
Rex Ryan vs. Channing Crowder
Sean Avery's sloppy seconds
Terrell Owens and the Dallas Star
