Intro:
So the first question you're probably asking yourself right now is "what the hell is with the Proclaimers here"? Well my friend, you simply do not know the magic of this song. Seriously, this has to be one of the best songs of all-time. Think about it, everybody knows the lyrics (it's not very hard), and everyone wants to sound like one of the pencil pushin' geeks like the Proclaimers. It's just too fun. What's not to like? Seriously, you probably sang along with the song as you pressed play over and over again. Am I right? Of course I'm right. I'm the messenger, and the messenger is always right. Or wait... nevermind. Anyway, the song will probably be in your head for the entire week now. You're welcome. In reality, this song just kind of stuck and became the theme for this trip. But let's get back to business.
Feeling excited as a kid before Christmas for this trip, I went to bed at 2:00AM. Probably was a bad decision considering that the plan was to leave by 4:00AM. Whoops. Oh well, I've drove around places like a zombie before. Surely a scheduled nine hour trip can't be that bad, right? As I woke up, I felt strangely energized. Why? I luckily know a trick to never wake up tired. It's very simple. You just elevate your feet before you go to bed. All of the blood rushes to your head, and then when you wake up, the blood is already in your brain and you're ready to go. I cooked some breakfast (eggs and oatmeal like always), took a shower and then saddled up to pick up Chris. The road trip began.
Now, bare with me for a second. Let's imagine you are on a 500 mile road trip with a good buddy (hey, check that out, a Proclaimers reference!). What do you do to pass the time? Do you just sit and stare at the road the entire time? Hopefully, you don't do that. Maybe you play a little game like eye-spy or spot license plates from different states. Maybe you even sleep a little bit on the way down. Hopefully you don't do that if you're behind the wheel. But let's face the facts. All of those things are boring. Why not spice your trip up? If you're like me and leave early in the morning, you may need to keep active to in order to not fall asleep. Chris and I played some pretty creative name games on the way down (none which I'm able to talk about). Also, there was talk of what was on both of our bucket lists.
We hit Maryland pretty quick. I think we were surprised at how fast we hit it. It seemed like it only took two hours, but we lost track of time cause we were traveling so fast. We were traveling through states so fast that we must of actually time traveled. Hmm, interesting. Anyway, to make a long story short, we finally pulled into NC and Pfeiffer University after eight short hours. The trip was suppose to be about 9.5 hours. Guess we were just excited to be back in the heart of the South. Once, we pulled in, the real fun began.
Meet the Characters:
Kurt Kuklewicz - The hero in the story. He is also the narrator of the story as everything is seen from his point of view. Can be funny at times, but doesn't hit on every joke attempt. Can be a streaky joke teller. Loves himself. Perhaps too much. He's at his best when his ego is the highest, whether that would be receiving compliments from royal women, spilling drinks on females or eating raw hard boiled eggs like Cool Hand Luke. Despite all his flaws, he has a big heart.
Chris Carey - Often described as the "brain" in the operation, this character flirts with breaking the rules. His savvy wits and smarts are enough to motivate our hero character and provide him with the wear-with-all to do everyday tasks. Perfect wingman for literally every kind of situation. Master in the art of BS-ing (just see President's speech from high school). Has a bit of a reputation. Been reprimanded by police multiple times.
Jenna Gulledge - An important character in the story that is often described as the backbone of North Carolina. North Carolina probably couldn't operate without her. Has the brain and the looks. One of those classy girls you would like to show off to your parents. Also known as the "feisty one". Been known to break things at given times. Cell phones are not safe around this character. Also, protective eye-wear is a good idea around this one, especially during card games. Has a pretty good punch for being a girl.
Jan Brownfield - Character that loves to dance, especially in situations of fun. Loves the sound of music. Loves Justin Bieber. Enjoys hearing good one-liners from old high school friends. Dreams of living in the big state of Texas and maybe one day land a nice job there. Also known as the "short one", but she never comes up short in clutch situations, such as providing fun. Her weakness is water.
Rachel Ford - Character that is the hard working type. Knows how to make a chicken sandwich and chicken nuggets, a great one-two punch. Big fan of riding the autobahn, and loves to travel. Happens to be an avid fan of flowers and coffee. However, don't get her that cheap McDonald's roast. You better go classy with this character.
The Plot:
When we arrived, the girls were extremely happy to see us. They showered us with hugs, love affection and gifts. Okay, maybe that's not accurate, but in my own mind, they had a parade for our arrival. The first thing we did at North Carolina was go back to the room (talk about feisty girls)! We had a little fun at the house with pranks, random chit-chat and other entertaining festivities. Now, we only had two nights with the girls, so we had to really try our best to make these days count as memorable ones. We made a little pit stop for some food, and to harrass Rachel while she worked at Chick-Fil-A.
Chris and I had a very important mission during the first day at the grocery store. We were suppose to make the selection and payment of drinks while Jan and Jenna made a selection for a movie to watch later during the night. The girls thought we made a selection and then calmly went back to my truck, but no. This was not the situation at all. Let me indulge you. Here's what really happened. We went to the end section of the store where we heard a muffled yell. When we walked past the back aisle, little Timmy from town was stuck inside the refrigerator and calling for help- for he was about to turn into an ice-cube! I tried my best to signal for help, but no one ever saw us. Thinking quickly, Chris and I grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and slammed it at the glass opening in the fridge. The glass shattered into a thousand pieces to the floor, and Timmy was safe again. Apparently, he said that the door locked from the inside and all we had to do was open the door, but how could we know that? We're from the North. At least we can say that young Timmy's life was saved that day. And we were responsible. We decided not to brag and tell the girls about our heroic act, and went on with our lives, just like how every superhero would do. On the way back to the girls' dorm, Jenna really showed her poise with controlling music in the Oasis. It was like a perfect match for her in the passenger seat. Country music was belted out the whole ride back.
We returned back to the dorm with the girls and proceeded to chill back a bit, and then watch a movie. The first night we watched "Just Go With It". I don't really remember too much from the movie mainly because we were talking during most of it, which is okay and dandy with me. Of course, when you're learning the art of cuddling, you tend to forgive things like that. My shirt did come off at one point during this night, however, I don't exactly remember when. It wasn't for an extremely long point of time though, unfortunately. We played a card game before the movie actually, which may have involved some drinks (powerade maybe?). The main objective is to follow a set of rules when each card comes out. For example, ten is waterfall. And everybody hates waterfall.
During the morning of the second day, I was feeling extra ambitious and decided to do a little mini-workout. I actually was going to go for a run during the morning, but decided against it mainly because I would probably get lost. Yes, even in the small college of Pfeiffer University. You have to understand that anything is possible with me. I just did a little mini-circuit of push-ups and sit-ups. I was surprised that my normal workout grunting didn't wake anybody up. Although, I could be wrong. Maybe it woke Jan up and she assumed that I was making out with someone again. I don't know, I didn't ask.
After everyone got settled and woke up during the second day, we went to a BBQ place. I don't remember the exact name of the place, but the atmosphere was pretty good. I felt like a redneck at heart. It was glorious for me. I was surprised to learn that they had hard boiled eggs available as a side, so I naturally ordered a bunch of them to gross out the girls. Following some good conversation at the restaurant and egg stuffing, we proceeded to get another movie for the night. This time it was "No Strings Attached". Yeah, I know. I was actually alright with the chick flicks. Certain things like the choice of movie doesn't really matter if you're having fun. I'm going to leave most of the rest of that night as a mystery here for you, but I will say that it was pretty fun. Jan had been wanting to show us that she could dance for some time now. She really showed her stuff when Miranda Lambert came on the speakers at their dorm. It was like an aura of light glistened from the sky. Jenna was ultimately impressed and also displayed some moves of magic. Actually, I think everyone was impressed. But sadly, the carbonation would end for Jenna and Jan after that for the night. We watched the movie and saw just a little too much of Ashton Kutcher's ass for my liking.
During the last day, the original gameplan was to wake up at noon and leave with Chris at 2:00PM to make it back home before midnight. Of course, we didn't end up leaving until about 6:30 or 7:00. I was tired as all hell driving back, but those extra minutes were well worth it. I mean, I learned how to play Go Fish!
Lessons Learned:
- Cuddling is an artform. There's a right and wrong way to do it. Unfortuantely, I cannot discuss the secrets of this fantastic art
- In the game of twister, sometimes you have to "take one for the team" and completely fall on your opponent in order to win the game.
- Swollen calves look pretty cool
- When my iPod died after we hit North Carolina in the truck, I panicked greatly for the lack of awesome country music that we were singing. Have no fear though in the South! Literally, EVERY radio station plays country.
- Shortcuts in Virginia are actually not shortcuts at all. In fact, they take you around an entire village, shopping mall, forest and everything else you could imagine.
- Everything in Virginia is connected to a gas station. You want to eat at McDonald's? Stop at the gas station. It's a two-in-one! Want to pick up some groceries at the grocery store? Don't worry, that also has a gas station in it.
- Lifetime has some really sucky movies (Main theme: never trust a man that owns a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere)
- Smirnoff Ice is actually "carbonated" and not "caffeinated".
- I have girls' hips
- Really cheesy jokes work best at 4:30 in the morning (Jenna really loves them, especially if they have anything to do with chemistry or tomatoes)
- Women love Ashton Kutcher's ass (guys not so much...)
- Don't make rules to make Jan not dance
- The end of Valkyerie is an intense one
- Taking a bath is a BAD IDEA in certain situations
What I should have done but didn't get a chance to:
- Use Rachel's bathroom for old time's sake (I was getting ready to make my move, when alas, my efforts were blocked by a locked door)
- Buy a cowboy hat and wear it for the rest of the trip. I would of been prepared to sleep with the cowboy hat on if I had to. That thing would of never came off. That's how important it was, and I failed to cash in here. :-(
- I probably would have taken my shirt off more. I was itching to just rip my shirt off and start flexing randomly. I even cut little slits in all of my shirts so I could rip them off like Hulk Hogan for the proper occasion. This probably would have happened if the nine party wasn't botched (thanks a lot, Jenna). :-P
- More pictures so you wouldn't think I'm just making all this stuff up.
A Sad Ride Home:
You know that feeling you get in your heart when something you really like goes away? That's what happened to me as I packed all of our stuff in the back and left. It felt like something was missing, like maybe I actually belonged in the South. What if my destiny was to be in the South? I enjoyed it there so much anyway. Doesn't it make sense? Those were all thoughts that entered my mind on the way back. Excuse me for getting serious for a minute, but I really felt sad to leave the South on the way home. And Chris? Chris was so heartbroken that he slept like a baby the entire way home as shown.
Sleep is very helpful, especially if you are tired from what I hear. After Chris woke up from my yelling of non-stop country music (don't worry, it's as bad as it sounds), we BOTH started belting out country music on the whole ride back. The rest of the ride wasn't too bad except once I hit PA, I got pretty tired. I was running on Monsters and Red-Bull at that point. We also hit some pretty heavy fog. I couldn't even see in front of me at one point, which makes for an exciting ride. I have never seen fog like that in my life. I have to say, despite being a little scary, it was pretty neat for a ride back. To top things off, we were gonna hit Atlantic City, but ultimately decided against it. The girls wouldn't meet us there!Conclusion:
I came to a really awesome conclusion to this story, and now I am going to share with you all (y'all?). I love the South. I love the lifestyle. I love the little stores and grocery markets. I love the food. I love the activities and fun stuff to do (even if there aren't any) and yes, I even love the people in the South.
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